Let’s go a little more depth about what exactly happened tonight:

1. I had my first big assignment of grad school due today. (A presentation)
2. The professor of the class happens to be the director of my program
3. It was an easy A
4. A subject I’m very interested in
5. This was a first year only class, meaning that most of my friends I’ve made at BC so far were present
6. I had plenty of time to do it this week

So what happen? I wasted the perfect opportunity to make a really good first impression on not only my classmates but the director of my program and in the process learn a lot about an area I’m very interested in and get an easy A.

Why did I do this? I don’t know.

I think I just haven’t gotten serious about grad school yet. Sometimes I feel as though when it comes to academic performance I have just two modes:

-Coasting
-OMG I’M FREAKING OUT I GOT SO MUCH TO DO!!!

Neither extreme is very good. (Although to be fair, what I consider to be “coasting” is probably much more rigorous than many people) I think it’s certainly possible for me to find a middle ground, and I have before, I just perhaps haven’t found my new “grad school middle ground.” Which is probably much different than my Northeastern middle ground. Perhaps this is the wake up call I need.

Tonight right after it happened, I just felt completely numb. I didn’t react to it at all. Now I just feel disappointed. I certainly don’t deserve any sympathy. I’ve fucked up, simple as that. Hopefully it’s just an isolated incident.